Anxiety

The definition of anxiety by the Mayo Clinic is intense, excessive, and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations. Fast heart rate, rapid breathing, sweating, and feeling tired may occur. My anxiety issues began to be unbearable right before my hysterectomy. If I were to guess, my overactive thyroid would send it into overdrive. Around that period, I was a victim of a hit-and-run accident. Soon after, I began to notice irrational fears. At first, the feelings were fleeting. I barely noticed that uneasy feeling in my stomach every time I was in a car. They progressed to the point of me not wanting to leave my house at all. Managing my stress levels is next to impossible at this point. 

While I am unable to pinpoint all of my triggers, I do know that my family can send me into an emotional spiral that takes an act of God to stop. I am certain that love is the root of my anxiety.  My love for my parents, siblings, children, and mostly my husband is stressful. I worry that everyone is traversing through their day safely.  I obsess over their relationships and children.  I feel obligated to solve the problems of my loved ones even though I didn’t cause them. In short, I forgo my happiness in order to stress about the happiness of happy people. 

When I first typed that statement something sounded strange about it.  So, I tried to explain it differently. Nothing would explain it as clearly as I worry myself sick trying to make happy people happy. People who wake up daily and live their lives with no concern for how I live mine. This doesn’t mean my family doesn’t love and care about me.  It does mean that each and every one of them conduct their lives without stomach issues, insomnia, and excessive sweating. My daughter would never watch her phone for hours if I didn’t respond to her. Neither of my sons would give a second thought to me driving in rain or snow. Those same concerns have made me unable to digest food. 

It is unnecessary for me to stay awake thinking of the situations that my loved ones are experiencing; it solves nothing.  My sister still hates her job. My kids are still raising their kids. My husband is still trying not to upset me, which pisses me off. So, I have decided that it’s time for me to be more concerned about loving my loved ones while they experience life. Instead of worrying over how I can assist, I am going to learn to throw my hands up and back away. All of the problems in the world aren’t mine to solve. I do not have any of the answers. Maybe in time, I will be able to leave my house without fear.